It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post and today, for about the 200th time this year I felt so frustrated I wanted to scream and turn my bedroom upside down but I decided instead of doing that, I'd write it all down. So, hey, here I am again.
It's been just over a year since I handed my dissertation written on the performative body of Lady Gaga in and finished university, spent a lovely month celebrating with my friends and then moved back home to... well... home. I'm not saying that I don't like living here, nor am I saying that I'm not grateful for everyone around me. The truth is I'm just feeling very, very lost. When you finish university there's this expectation that you'll get a job in your degree-related career field and have a wonderful time doing everything that you love. Well, really, that's a pretty far cry from what actually goes on.
Because of my chronic illness I decided hey, I'll get a part time job and then I can have energy to spend the rest of the time looking for artistic opportunities to get involved with. I've looked. I've applied. I've looked some more. I've applied some more. I've applied for things I didn't even want. I didn't even get them. This graduate thing is actually really fucking hard. I'm pretty sure I'm more tired from just trying to find something than working my actual job.
What makes things harder is that I don't actually know what I want to do. I just know that I don't want to be pouring pints part time as my main source of income with absolutely nothing exciting and thought provoking on the side. I need to be creative. I yearn to be creative. But where the hell do you find these opportunities in a town where the arts scene is derelict? Where do you even begin looking in London? Because although I'm on the outskirts, it's a pretty big city. And hell, what am I even looking for? Do I want to perform? Do I want to write? Do I want to make my own shit and perform it? How does one even go about that before becoming bankrupt? Do I want to meet other people instead of doing it alone? And again, WHERE DO I BEGIN?
I know I am being a little hard on myself because in the last year I had my first paid performance job, had one of my plays performed publicly, have visited two new countries and have gotten really involved with local politics, which I love. But honestly, it's just not enough. I've gone from being surrounded by arts and inspiration and opportunities to struggling to find motivation to be creative, let alone any opportunities to be so. I know things will change, I know one day I'll find something amazing and creative and meaningful to do. But right now I'm struggling a little bit with the real world. I feel a little bit lost and I think that's ok, even if it's not the best feeling in the world.
If you've gotten this far, thanks for listening to my rambles. You're the sort of people I like and By George, I do actually feel better for letting this all out. Ramble - out.
Lots of love x