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Sunday 14 February 2016

Recovery: Why it's the hardest part

The last month or so hasn't been awesome for me. I spent two weeks bed-bound and sick, with the pills that were supposed to work - not working. I then spent 10 days in hospital being pumped with intravenous versions of said pills and on top of that a new drug which will hopefully (but slowly) bring me back to remission.

It's been 11 days since I got home from hospital, and I have to be honest, those 11 days feel so much longer. I feel like I've been sitting around, like a half brain-dead slug human, just waiting for a few minutes of energy to use up before I turn into a sloth again and fall asleep on the sofa. This, in a nutshell, is recovery, and I'm going to explain to you why it is for me the hardest part of chronic illness I've discovered so far.

So, let's go back to when I was admitted to hospital. When you're admitted to hospital you just pretty much accept there and then that something is wrong, you need help and there's nothing else you can do about it. So you may as well sit back, let the doctors poke and prod at you, and decide which drug to pump into you to calm your symptoms the hell down. You sit there, eat the lovely hospital food, chat to the nurses and waste your days away falling asleep and accepting cups of tea whenever they're bought around. Because you're sick, and there's nothing you can do. You do start to feel a little bit better every day, though, which is great, so eventually you get let home. FREEDOM!

However, freedom is not quite there yet, in the all encompassing version of the word. You're not in hospital any more which is great. You've got your own bed, TV and your mum's cooking which is arguably much better than where you were before. But you are still sick. The first time you walk up the stairs to your bedroom you're thinking, "wow, were these this steep before?" because let's face it, you've barely used your legs the last two weeks. You go to bed and manage a 10 hour sleep, but you're still exhausted when you wake up the next morning. The next few mornings, in fact. You take your pills, 24 a day at the moment is it? And drag yourself down to the living room, where you're gonna spend most of your time for the next two weeks at least because your body has been through hell. It's still going through it to a degree, and you must take care of yourself.

The problem is, you're impatient. You want to wake up with the same levels of energy you had before this flare up: but it ain't gonna happen. Walking to the shop 5 minutes away is an achievement. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Recovery takes time, and it is gradual. But it's still hard to accept. You just want to get back to university, to all the people and the life you've got there. But even when you do get back, you won't be able to do everything you used to, not straight away anyway. And that's what sucks. When you're stuck in hospital, you can accept that you're not well and just sitting around doesn't seem so bad. And when you're well, and can do most things without too much trouble, life is good. It's just the limbo in-between that is hard. The adjusting period. The period where people say "oh! So you're better now?" and expect you to jump on a night out and down 20 tequila shots and party like it never happened.

Unfortunately, with illnesses like this, it doesn't disappear overnight. It can take weeks or months for a person to get back to some kind of normality. I'm over the moon that I'm out of hospital and that I'm hoping to go back to uni this weekend. But I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going to be exhausted and I know I'm going to get frustrated when I can't do things. I don't like that I feel like I can't trust my body at the moment, that a wave of fatigue or a dizzy spell could come over at any minute. I'm scared that I'll venture out with my friends and feel like shit. I am. But that's how it is, and you gotta start somewhere. So that, for me, is why recovery is hard. But I'm determined to keep my head up, I know I'll get back to myself eventually, even if it does take longer than I'd like.

Peace and love. X